Friday, February 18, 2011

Freedom in Saying No (Part 4)

The road to freedom of any kind is paved with a lot of battles, bumps, potholes, and roadblocks.

The journey I have been on has been no different. My friend’s insistence to read the book, and then the book itself only set me on the road. It has taken determination, falling, failure and utter resolve to keep moving down this road of Freedom.

Just like Allison’s ah-ha moment that I described in my last post, I’ve had a few that have pushed me further down the road. The first was last August, when I came home after being out of town for 4 days at a conference and my husband’s schedule had been pretty busy as well, leaving our son home a lot (which should be fine considering he’s 23) to find that all hell had broken loose in our home.

My son had overdosed and was found unresponsive, he was rushed to the hospital, given a medication that counter acts the drug he had taken and within 5 hours walked out of there refusing any other help… add to that finding out that he had lied about his girlfriend expecting a baby just to gain our sympathy and financial support. The heart sickness I felt was overwhelming, and the light finally dawning on Marble-head (mine) that he had NO desire to change or get well was enlightening. The only person seeming to fight for him to be well was me…I wanted him to change, I wanted him to be well…

This would be my first “AH-HA moment” that began the process of saying NO.

“NO you cannot live here; you have refused to go to a rehab after nearly dying.”

“NO you cannot stay here; you lied to us for the last three months so we would support the two of you.


The chaos that ensued after that brought a call to the police to have him removed. Remember I said when you start this process, it will get ugly. You must be prepared for that.

The next few months brought a peace to our home, a peace that I had not known for nearly 6 years. I had no clue how to live in it. My new found freedom was unfamiliar territory. During that time I would cave here and there in helping him (if I am to be truthful it was more enabling, he just wasn’t in our home)

It would be Thanksgiving before he ever walked back through our doors. ~ And nothing says battles, bumps, potholes and roadblocks like the emotions of the holidays and the frigid weather they bring. This would be where the rubber would meet the road in putting all that Allison’s book had to say to work. I’m not telling you to cut your child out emotionally, but I am telling you, you will have to NOT act because of those emotions.

I did…

again I would have to say… "My name is Susan and I’m an enabler."

In my post Peace in the Silence, I shared the utter despair of our family as my son walked out with $2500 worth of electronics; a good portion of these were Christmas gifts, this last episode would push me to new place, recognizing the depth of his addiction and illness, seeing my part in all of this, my undying hope that one day he will emerge a healed, whole young man due in part to my gallant efforts to give him another opportunity to succeed.


I cannot fix him, no matter how much love I pour on him,or how many times I help him…

The word STOP screamed in my heart.

I had to break free of this once and for all.

Finally saying NO, drawing a line in the concrete (no longer in the sand) will be the only way I can be of any true help. And if I truly want to see him healed and whole, it WILL never be about what I do. It will be about what God will do. Yielding everything to God (Y), giving my son up to Him, and NOT taking him back to fix, trusting that God has the plan all in place, I just need to get out of the way and let it happen. This one letter of the Acronym will be the most important one to implement, once you do...

The FREEDOM will come…

The road has smoothed out,

the battles, bumps, potholes and roadblocks are no longer visible. They’re not visible because they are not mine to endure. They are his…

If I can give you anything to hold onto, anything to take away from all of this… it’s this;
The Road to Freedom begins by saying NO! And each time you say NO, mean it, stick with it, If you cave, start all over again and eventually you won’t go back. The road will smooth out and the Freedom will be incredible.
My friend; there is Freedom in Saying No.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing the lessons you have learned. I appreciate your vulnerability and encouragement.