Thursday, February 3, 2011

Peace in the Silence

This is day 11 of the silence. A Silence brought on by guilt, shame and addiction.

On January 18th my beloved husband and I did what we thought we would never do again, due to the horrific cold and snow we allowed our son to come back home. Since the beginning of January he had been in and out of our home, spending a night here an afternoon there. Each visit was positive.

On that Monday afternoon he had called asking;

“Please can I come home, the place where I’m staying is not good. It’s filled with drug and alcohol use and I don’t want to get caught up in this”

My beloved and I talked and we thought we would do this one more time, give him the opportunity to succeed. And deal with it if he failed. Going into it with our eyes wide open, hoping against hope that this would be the time he would overcome.

I called my son and said

“You may come to the house, but this is not forever, you will need to start moving forward with your life and there are boundaries…”

And the short list of boundaries was given, the same ones he’s always crossed, walked over, stomped on. Oh how I had hoped that the 6 months of living in Rehabs, Sober houses, and friends couches had brought on a new appreciation for those boundaries. That being essentially homeless and apart from his family would have put a desire in his heart to change.

Luke 15: 13: - 20 says…

13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.

My hopes were that my son had the same repentant heart of the prodigal, that after months of wandering, being able to come home would be such a gift to his heart that it would cause him to rejoice, to find a new beginning. That first Sunday at church he sat through the sermon, crying off and on. I kept praying for him as I knew God must be doing a work on his heart. Those first few days with him at home were so good. He was a help, and he expressed constant thanks, one night at dinner he offered to say grace, his heart honest prayer brought tears to each of our eyes as he thanked God not only for the food, but for the opportunity to be home with his family, he choked up as he prayed.

Yes God, just maybe this is it…he’s going to make it.

Not 24 hours later when my beloved and my little man walked through the door at the end of the day, not only was my son gone, but a number of our belongings as well. Nearly $2,500.00 of electronics.

I immediately tried to call him… no answer; he wouldn’t pick up his phone.

It would be four days before we heard from him, a text coming in to tell us just how sorry he was, that he was nothing more than a drug addict loser. When we pushed him to ask where he was and WHY… the texts ended.

A few days later as I checked his phone use online, his phone use stopped abruptly.

Nothing… no incoming calls, no outgoing calls.

Now for my son that is just out of character, his normal phone use is a call every 3 minutes. I began to worry, really worry. Was he dead… had he been arrested, was he back in a rehab… had he sold his phone too? So many scenarios have gone through my head.

The silence has been deafening to my heart. I am learning to moment by moment place him in my God’s hands. This is a journey that is between him and God. Whatever suffering he is going through God will use, God will not let him go. My heart knows that God will either turn his life around and bring glory to His name, or He will bring him home… and not my home, but to the eternal home where my son will never again face addiction.

I’m at peace in this silence.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.


  1. Thank you for such a raw and vulnerable post! We are praying for all of you. I'm with you...God is never going to let your son go. And in His grace, God is carrying you through the silence.

  2. susan-this just very well be your ministry.
    love you friend